What We Carry
Lately it feels like the universe has been quietly nudging me toward a lesson I’m still learning. The lesson is that we don’t always control our circumstances, but we do control how we respond. I’ve seen it on social media, in the form of that Gandalf quote: “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” I’ve also seen it in a widely-shared behavior-science meme, which divides life into two tidy columns of “what’s in my control” and “what’s not.” And I’ve seen it most vividly in real life, while talking to my best friend’s son about how to respond to a bully without letting the bully dictate his self-worth.
All of it has me wondering about whether our emotional responses aren’t just reactions, but instead whether they’re more like reflections. What if the reason a cutting comment hurts isn’t because it’s true, but because it pokes at something we haven’t quite made peace with? If someone told me I had long hair, I’d shrug because that’s clearly false (have you seen my profile pics?). But if someone called me “uneducated” derisively, I might have more of an emotional response. Even if I know it’s not true (have you seen my LinkedIn?), the sting might land a little deeper. Not because of the comment itself, but because of the little insecurities I haven’t fully let go of.
It’s an unsettling but oddly liberating thought. The idea that other people only have as much power over us as we’re willing to give them.
That’s easier said than done, of course. When we’re younger, our brains are wired for belonging. Fitting in feels existential. But even as we age and fitting in becomes less urgent, having a positive sense of belonging still matters. The difference is that we (hopefully) gain more tools to be discerning. We start to realize that just because a certain group doesn’t embrace us doesn’t mean we’re unworthy. It might just mean we’re not in the right room.
And that realization is freeing because it lets us do something remarkable, which is it gives us the ability to walk away without bitterness. We can let others be who they are while reserving our energy for people who empower us and for people who we feel good empowering in return.
I’m still figuring all this out. It’s an ongoing calibration, like most things. But I’m trying to remember that I don’t need to win every battle. I just need to decide which ones are worth fighting, and which ones aren’t worth my peace.
RuPaul has a line I come back to often. You probably know it. If they ain’t paying your bills, then pay them no mind. It’s cheeky, yes. But it’s also kind of perfect. Because ultimately, most of us are just trying to carry the right things: the people, thoughts, and beliefs that move us forward. The rest we can simply put down.
